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Daddy, Why Don't You Love Me?

My dad doesn’t love me. He loves himself, his money, his house.⁣ ⁣ Even his TV, that thing you replace every few years if it’s broken or time for an upgrade. ⁣ I was the broken one he never could substitute.⁣ ⁣ Nothing was ever good enough and no amount of good-girling helped.⁣ ⁣ A’s should have been A+. I’m fat. I’m ugly (Ug-Mug was my pet name). Be more like her.⁣ ⁣ Tough words for someone who’s a ghost dad, using his presence to haunt and torment.⁣ ⁣ He’d come home after a long shift and go straight to his room. No words. No pats on the head. No hugs. No kisses. ⁣ ⁣ Or, he’d glue to the TV. I was terrified to interrupt this romance. He yelled with such a booming voice before it squashed me. ⁣ ⁣ Death to my inner spirit. ⁣ ⁣ Doctors once thought my appendix burst. Mom calls and he says he’s watching sports, to only call if they were taking me to surgery. ⁣ ⁣ I almost drowned in a pool. People screaming for help. As I bob in and out of the water with pierced eyes on him, he takes off his shoes, socks, watch, chain, wallet, shirt. ⁣ ⁣ “I knew I was going to get to you before you drowned,” he said as I spewed out water and gagged on its residuals.⁣ ⁣ I’ve also been trampled. A young kid at World on Wheels. A shooting breaks out and I still have on skates. My dad left me! I saw him running away from ME!⁣ ⁣ People with shoes ran too and knocked me down, now they are pressing their weight into my fragile back, using me as their floor. ⁣ ⁣ I wasn’t worth as much as a TV and now I was no better than that dirty, filthy ground I laid on.⁣ ⁣ “I only came back cuz I knew I couldn’t go home without you. Your mom would kill me,” is what he said as I stood there shaken, bruised and marked by foot tracks. ⁣ ⁣ There were more abandonments like these. ⁣ ⁣ It’s why I’ve dealt with depression. It’s why I tried and failed at committing suicide twice. “You couldn’t even get that right.”⁣ ⁣ It’s why I drink and smoke to cover up the pain. I use smiles, laughter, anger too. When that’s not enough, I use fetal cries to release.⁣ ⁣

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