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Dear Ego, Please Get Out of the Way

It’s Monday morning at 3 am and I’m vexed by what I revealed in last week’s posts.⁣ ⁣ Reclined in bed with eyes peering at the ceiling, I had questions and concerns for God. ⁣ ⁣ “What will I write next? Lord, you took me on such a hard left turn and we continued down that path. I feel there is no return. I have deep pain but I’m more than that. My story is one of trial and triumph, yet all they see is trial. ⁣ ⁣ I’m funny, loyal, love music, love to dance, love to bring smiles, and am assigned as the prayer warrior at food distributions for the homeless. ⁣ ⁣ They don’t see the plan you shared with me last year, that through my healing, vulnerability and accountability others will heal, be drawn closer to you, and find freedom in who you created.⁣ ⁣ That 2,200 character length on IG is killing me. It bite-sizes the story and allows one focused lens. ⁣ ⁣ I want to mix in ‘Name that Pastor’ and ‘Gospel Roundup’ but how will that look after this? I’ve lost all credibility. ⁣ ⁣ People are pitying me. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m uncomfortable. I’m out here looking crazy.”⁣ ⁣ Pause and review this conversation for a second. I see what’s wrong, do you? ⁣ ⁣ The dialogue turned inward. It’s littered with “I” and “me.” There’s no focus on mission or giving him glory. It’s about me. 🙋🏽‍♀️⁣ ⁣ If that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t care how I look and I wouldn’t want to boast about the qualities I feel make me likable. ⁣ ⁣ I wouldn’t need follower permission to do “Name that Pastor” or anything else. I’d be moving according to his way, which often looks backward, confusing and contradictory. ⁣ ⁣ Y’all, I’m letting ego get in the way of what he’s trying to do. I want to retreat with whatever dignity I think I have left.⁣ ⁣ I signed on for this. I cried out for purpose and now that he’s delivering, the sacrificial chopping block calls for my ego. ⁣ ⁣ With that, God answered the first question that came out of my mouth that morning.⁣ ⁣ “You want to know what to write about next? Ego!” ⁣ ⁣ Me: 😮☹️⁣

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